Giving correction is difficult for all of us. We often find ourselves leaning towards two different extremes: being conflict avoidant and sugarcoating everything, or diving into conflict and correcting everything we see. Each extreme side of the spectrum has a similar heart condition that over-values control. On the one hand, a “peace faker” may be trying to control their lives by compromising at all costs for a fake peace. There may be insecurity, fear of man, uncertainty, or painful memories of past arguments that keep this person from speaking the truth in love. This person doesn’t value the primary sin issues Christians are called to address in each other’s lives, and thereby values their control of “peace” as more important than another’s soul. On the other hand, the “peace breaker” is trying to mold everyone around them into an image of themselves. There is no boundary they will not break in order to control others. This person values secondary and tertiary issues too highly, and puts them on the same level as primary issues that need addressing. Thus their desire for control trumps the value of another’s soul as they ignore the call to speak graciously. Of course, investigating these things in one’s life (or the life of another) requires curiosity instead of condemnation. Often these habits of heart come from places of hurt and are seeking to prevent suffering. One must point to Christ’s gracious invitation to be a refuge for the weary and bringer of justice for the oppressed if the issues are going to be addressed. Thus heart motivations need uncovering and methods must be utilized that get at the deeper intricacies of the human heart.
The Motivation
The main thing that will allow one to speak into another’s life graciously is a heart that aligns with Christ’s heart. It only follows that if our desires align with his then we will speak to the things that need speaking to with the correct motivation and method. In light of that we must ask first about our motivation. If we look to the famous passage about “speaking truth in love” in Ephesians 4, we see Paul’s motivation for the command as “keeping unity and the bond of peace” with the goal of maturity, growth, and building up of the body (vs 13-16). This echo’s Jesus prayer for his people in John 17 when he prays that “ May they all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us, so that the world may believe you sent me (vs 21).” Unity is actually one of the main goals of Paul in his writings, from his proclamation that the dividing wall of hostility has been broken down (Eph 2), to his desire for believers to be attentive to those brothers and sisters who are weaker (Rom 14, 1 Cor 8), Paul desires unity in the church so it can grow and mature as a witness to the world. Is unity your goal as you give correction? Are you seeking to repair a relational rupture for the sake of the church and God’s kingdom or your own kingdom? Do you just want to “be right”, or do you desire the maturity and growth of the other person for God’s glory? Our motivations matter! If we cannot approach the person in love, than we need to do our own work first before we attempt any correction.
The Method
Finally, a word on method. Looking back on Ephesians 4, we read the oft-quoted phrase in verse 15, “speaking the truth in love…” It’s important to point out that the actual verb isn’t “speaking” but “truthing” (which isn’t an English word according to my spell-check, despite what certain social media platforms may say). Of course, one would think that speaking is a natural part of “truthing”, however this concept encompasses more. One way to translate it could be “embodying truth in love”. This phrase alludes to the concept of “showing oneself faithful” in a loving way. It’s not just speaking true things, but living in integrity of heart. It brings us back to Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 7 where he calls his disciples to take out the plank in one’s eye before removing the speck in another’s eye. For us to remove a speck, we must be walking in integrity and not hypocritical as Jesus warned. We must first do our own work of self-evaluation. It’s not that can be perfect, but we must confront ourselves first with integrity if we are going to follow Jesus in this regard.
Practically, one of the most helpful steps I’ve taken in this regard is to separate the facts from my own judgments. The facts could be found in a audio/video recording, but my judgments are my own. They are the story I’m telling myself. Now, if I’m surrendered to Christ than my judgments may be correct, but I still holding them loosely as interpretations and not necessarily facts. We’re all wrong somewhere! This step both removes the plank out of my eye, as well as keeps me in accordance with Jesus’ command to not judge unfairly, which is what he’s getting at in Matt. 7:1-2. Once I’ve expressed these things to the person in a calm and gracious way, its important for them to see how their actions affected you or others. Expressing hurt, sadness, or even frustration can actually bring connection if done graciously. It’s also important to express the reality that you may have done the same thing in the past. We’re all level at the foot of the cross, and this is another point of connection that can take place during this process.
Finally, positively express what you desire for the person and your relationship with them. This goes back to motivation. Why are you confronting in the first place? Say something like “I really desire for us to be reconciled” or “I’d love to extend you forgiveness in this situation”. In this step I want to first identify some of the deeper human longings we all have been given as image bearers. That way we can all agree on the deepest desire (love, connection, mutual respect, relational safety, etc). Following this, the negotiated part of the conversation becomes the practical strategy we both seek to agree on. Maybe we can’t agree on the specifics, and that’s ok. We always ask these things open handedly from others and not as demands. Ensure that what you’re asking is in line with God’s heart for this person and his kingdom purpose. Remember, this is not about forcing change on someone. In fact, this process may change you more than them, but at least you have communicated in a loving way that also hasn’t shied away from speaking the truth. May we all look to grow in gracious correction-giving for the purpose of building up the body!
New Creation Living 