Click here for Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4
This morning at 3am I woke up to another bad dream, which basically means I’m up for the day. I guess I’ll write a bit. One month ago, almost to the hour, I felt Lucy’s heart beat for the last time. Upon waking, my mind immediately was taken back to those last few hours we had with Lucy: the torturous pain and sadness, wailing and crying, Atticus insisting that he stay the last night with his sister (thankfully he slept through the whole thing), being ushered out of the hospital at 5:30 am because it was too painful, the three of us checking into a hotel at 6am and checking out at noon after “sleeping”. We wondered how in the world we could bear this pain going forward.
This last month has been filled with groaning. Romans 8:26 has been one of the only verses that make sense to us (still not sure how verse 28 works yet). We are just beginning to trace the outlines of this bomb crater in our lives. The days are long, numbness feels painful, sadness feels painful, smiling feels painful, crying feels painful. We are working at allowing whatever comes up in our hearts to just be there without judgment before each other and Jesus, but grief is unpredictable. The kids are resilient, but also fragile at times. We have had sweet times together laughing and crying, but the grief is still thick in the air. There really isn’t much else to say in a form of an update. I will say that there is zero doubt that we are deeply loved by so many in the body of Christ. We have been so extravagantly supported spiritually and physically. From meals to flowers to prayers to 200+ cards to hospitality to counseling, we have zero earthly needs. We just long for Lucy and ultimately New Creation. If we fail to respond to a text or a call, or you don’t see us much, please know we KNOW you love us, and we love you.
A few people have asked for the liturgy I read during the video. The reading was from “Every Moment Holy Volume II” and you can purchase individual PDFs or the whole book here… All three volumes are worth getting, but the individual one I read from is titled “Experiencing a Loss Anew Daily”. The part that deeply resonates for me still is in the second paragraph…
Where so recently breathed the living wonder of the one we loved, there is now only this present absence, like the quiet desolation of a bomb crater — and we, half-blinded by the smoke rising from the ruin of our past happiness, can hardly begin to assess the extent of the damage.
Not yet
Lucy, your absence is felt and our lives will never be the same. Even when we’re numb, we can feel your void. You were so big in our lives, that the holes in our hearts are beyond repair. We long for Heaven and ultimately New Creation now more than ever. We’re one month closer…
“Your dead shall live; their bodies shall rise. You who dwell in the dust, awake and sing for joy! For your dew is a dew of light, and the earth will give birth to the dead.”
-Isaiah 26:19
New Creation Living 
The little lady looks so much like her mama, but we see daddy’s face too. We are thankful to see you writing again. Your perspective, how you see the world, and even more so now than before, is both convicting and encouraging to us. For me personally, focusing on the here and now, which is temporal, comes so easily. And yet, we are told to set our minds on things above, and to seek first the kingdom of God. To read about your sadness makes us feel sadness too. To read that you have had sweet times of laughter is like honey for our souls. To read that you feel so cared for and loved, and that the care and love has been shown so powerfully, is absolute sweetness to our eyes and our hearts. Every day, you all are on our minds and in our prayers. Every day, we are sending hugs across states, and some are sending them across continents. Psalm 34 comes to mind, and you have probably seen others reference that passage in their communication with you. We have personally known Him to keep that promise (to us), to be near when we are hurting. We felt His presence in a very dark time, heard Him speak to our hearts through that darkness, and felt immediate consolation while waiting for news on the medical front. Please pass our love onto your entire household, and even your extended family. Though you may not know it, you all are an inspiration to many of us, as you show us and teach us how God’s people can respond to such a loss and bring vast amounts of glory to Him. Much love to you all.
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Praying for you, friends. Today, 2 years ago, we buried our Gwyn at age 11. The heaviness and pain you describe here is part of life for us, still. But there is something else, too: a growing joy and strength to walk this road, until Parousia when Christ will be all in all. The way you are bravely letting grief carve out more and more room is to have your “hearts set on a pilgrimage,” to have the “pathways to Zion in your hearts,” as in Psalm 84. It doesn’t feel like it now, but you will go “from strength to strength.” Joy comes. More than you ever thought you could hold, before this loss.
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All of you are loved so much. My hubbs and I think about all of you daily. We do pray…. for courage. I know sometimes you can imagine Lucy in Heaven frolicking with the angels. She will always be close to you.
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Thank you for writing, even when you don’t know how to express the grief and pain, so that we know how to best pray for you, Bethany and the family. Rom 8:26 is a verse for which I am so thankful because God hears our inward groanings and our outward cries.
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today’s readings (I am a Roman Catholic) made me think of you and Lucy
Second reading from the Second Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians
2 Cor 12:7-10
Brothers and sisters:
That I, Paul, might not become too elated,
because of the abundance of the revelations,
a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan,
to beat me, to keep me from being too elated.
Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me,
but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you,
for power is made perfect in weakness.”
I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses,
in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.
Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults,
hardships, persecutions, and constraints,
for the sake of Christ;
for when I am weak, then I am strong.
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Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your grief. It is a testimony to the groaning of all creation as we await the consummation of Christ. We think of you and pray for you often. As I read your blog and the comments, I thought of this hymn we sing in our church. In recent years, with the passing of certain family members, I can see them robed in white apparel every time we stand and sing with our congregation. It is a foretaste of heaven. I will pray for your family whenever we sing this again, knowing that Lucy is also robed in white apparel with the saints in glory:
By the sea of crystal, saints in glory stand,
Myriads in number, drawn from every land,
Robed in white apparel, washed in Jesus’ blood,
They now reign in Heaven with the Lamb of God.
Out of tribulation, death and Satan’s hand,
They have been translated at the Lord’s command.
In their hands they’re holding palms of victory;
Hark! the jubilant chorus shouts triumphantly:
Grace and peace to your family.
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The Lord is close to the brokenhearted & saves those who are crushed in Spirit -Psalm 34:18
just a stranger who happened upon your story & wanted to send some love & light your way – I’m so sorry. She is with Jesus & you will see her again …
Sincerely
Christine
”In Christ”
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…I read again about Lucy and I cried again..I have a daughter with special needs and sometimes I cry and ask our Lord : why? Why children suffer ? Why do they leave earth too early ? Why not protect them? Only God knows answers ..we can only remember His Promise: I will never leave..I will never forsake ..
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thank you for putting words to your feelings and grieving. Thank you for taking the time in processing before us, That you found and find words to express is truly a gift to us all. Holding you and your family in my prayers daily. Ox
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Praying for you that healing is taking place in all your lives and that His love and comfort embraces each heart.
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